Letter To Her (Or, Lettin’ It All Hang Out, LOL)

So… we’re sitting here now, or more likely you’re sitting here by yourself because I probably walked away right after putting this letter into your hand. I know, despite all of my ‘chat’ – I’m still a bit of a coward, LOL. So anyhow, I guess you probably want to know what this is about. What’s so hard for me to say, that I had to write it down and hightail it outta here. Here’s the thing: 

I wrote this letter to you, before I ever even met you. 

You’re probably wondering what I mean by, ‘before I ever even met you’.  If you think it’s funny or even weird, just chalk it up to one of my little quirks. Writing is one of those things that I’ve just gotta do. Helps me to get clear about what I really want out of life. But something tells me that you already get that about me, anyway. So, if you’re reading this now, trust that you and I have gotten to a point where I think it’s safe to share my thoughts with you (I know, I know. This may have taken a while…) 

Maybe I’ve watched you without saying anything, and you’ve asked me what’s on my mind. Maybe I’ve said ‘nothing’.  This has probably happened several times, by now.  Well, this letter basically tells you what I’ve really meant to say… 

See, I wrote this letter a long time ago and printed it, keeping a copy tucked safely away, on call until after I met you; until the moment I was sure that you were, indeed, “Her”. (again, I know it took a while, LOL) And, since the time I wrote this letter until now, I’ve posted it up on my blog – the one you didn’t even know that I keep, until now   Maybe as a sort of a prayer to the universe.  Or maybe just as a sort of reminder, whenever I feel as though I’m forgetting what’s truly possible.  Gotta tell you – it’s kept me from mistaking alot sistas that I’ve met, for you. 

Before I wrote this, the hardest thing about waiting to meet you was loneliness.  Even writing those words is so hard because no one wants to think of themselves as ‘lonely’. But in the interest of clarity, I promised to always remain honest with myself – it was what it was. 

Loneliness is a bitch. Because it makes you do things that you shouldn’t. Being lonely made me go on a wild chase trying to find you. It made me settle for women who I had no business letting near me – because for a long while I’d given up on ever finding you. It made me forget who I am, lose who I am, in the interest of holding onto people who didn’t, or couldn’t, really care. Of that I am not proud. 

I tried not to turn bitter, but the truth is sometimes I did get a little angry. I felt hurt, wondered why I couldn’t find what I wanted.  I have so much that I’ve wanted to give to someone special, and it hurt deeply that I didn’t have that someone to give it to.  Can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried inside, choosing to swallow tears because pride wouldn’t allow them to run down my cheeks. Kinda like I’m almost ashamed to admit that I’m doing now, as I type this. All because I missed; really, really yearned for; someone that I never even met. I can smile at that now, but at the time I typed these words, it didn’t seem so funny, I guess   

The trouble with this kind of yearning is that I ran the risk of idealizing you in a way that made you less real. But, still, I have my head on. The truth is that I know that you’re just as human as I am; you have your quirks, habits, moods, the same way that I do. But yours are all things that I can live with, you know? They make up an important part of you. Besides, the basic principles that make you the woman you are – those remain constant. And that’s what’s important to me. 

But the moment that I wrote this, I finally became really comfortable with not looking.  I just continued working on myself and reaching some goals I’d set. It kept me occupied    I had a clearer picture of who you are in my head, so it made it easier to spot, and not get distracted by, sistas near me who weren’t quite ‘you’. 

                                                                                                                                                                                      Needless to say, there are a lot of things that I don’t know about you, as I sit here typing this – how you look, what your pet peeves are, etc… but here’s what I know for sure… 

-         you’re creative. maybe a painter? A photographer? A poet? A sculptor? A filmmaker? A playwright?  I dunno (this is, after all, the future, LOL); but I do know that whatever way you express yourself, you do it with such passion and commitment that it gives you that glow that says, I was born to do this.

-         You have a backbone. You stand up for what you know is right. Maybe you even use your art as a means of resistance against the messed up shit that goes on in society around us…

-         I didn’t meet you in no club, LOL. Clubs and dancing are cool; I love to go out and have a good time; but you and I both know that it’s usually not conducive to making a real connection with anyone…

-         you don’t smoke… (after having dated several smokers, this one has become a deal breaker with me) 

-         you’re more of a social drinker… (a couple drinks is cool. but, getting snogged out of one’s mind??? another deal breaker, lemme tell ya)

-         You possess tact, and a quiet dignity about you. In other words, you carry yourself as the queen you truly are. You’re comfortable with all of who you are, and you emit that knowledge of self through every pore…

-         You truly dig me. You light up whenever you see me – the same way that I do whenever you’re around. 

I know these ideals exist, and so I know that you exist. The truth remains that I have seen you reflected in the faces of a small handful of sistas that I have been blessed to come across. Each one of them has some, or even a lot, of the characteristics that you have. Whether it’s a smile, a way with words, or the way she carries herself – each of those sistas renewed my faith in you – even if they aren’t even aware of it. 

I wonder where you’re from?  Maybe you’re from right here, wherever I’m at right now… But probably, you’re from somewhere a lot further away. The thing is, I’d always told myself that I wouldn’t let distance be an obstacle, in the long term, if the sista turned out to be worth the effort. I’ve never been afraid of the idea of moving and starting over, somewhere new. 

Maybe you have kids. If so, trust that I welcome them into my heart, the same way I do you. Or maybe you don’t have any. If this is the case, I look forward to having that, in time, with you. 

By now, I know some or most of what you’ve dealt with before we became ‘us’. Maybe you had some good experiences before, or maybe you had some not-so good ones. All I know is that, that was then As for now, and us – I do what I can to ensure that you feel secure in what we have. Thank you for not making me jump through hoops to do so. I give of myself to you, because it makes me happy to know that you’re happy. I give of myself to you because you’re the only woman who has ever truly deserved that from me. 

Basically this letter is about me saying, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you. For waiting until I was truly ready to receive you. For gracing me with your aura, your gifts, and your love.  For choosing to see past whatever faults I have, and wanting to be the one who sees what I’m really worth. 

Because, for all that I’ve put myself through – every time you smile, each time you hold my hand, I remember that you were more than worth the wait. 

Now that you stand here before me, finally tangible; beautiful; perfect in whatever you think are your imperfections – please know that I love you with all my heart. And please tell me – taking into consideration that I wrote this before I met you – was I off by much? Cuz right now, my friends think that I’ve become too picky to ever find you. Yet here you stand. So, do you think that my daydreams raised the bar too high???  See, something inside is telling me that it was a good thing I chose, from this letter’s moment on, not to lower it one bit. Because you’re here, now. Soul Mate made manifest. And you know what the funny thing is? 

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I don’t even know your name yet.  

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Love, 

Incog’

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