…Got Me Missing Things I Never Knew… (the sequel)

So i was chatting with a myspace friend today, noting back and forth, just talking about relationships – or rather, the possibility of future relationships.

Truth is that even though i hung out recently with someone that i’m attracted to… something is telling me that she’s not “her”. She’s pretty, laid back, going after her goals, great to hang out with… but she doesn’t want a relationship. Says that her situation is ‘complicated’, and that she doesn’t know where she really wants to be, relationship-wise. But she’s down for something less than committed, with me… Sigh. I recognize this road, and i don’t want to travel on it again, LOL. I think that I’m worth being someone’s everything, not just their sometime thing.

Sssooo… i keep that in the back of my mind, and content myself with hanging out with her, without getting either physically or emotionally involved. I guess i’ve pretty much decided to relegate this experience to the platonic friends box. That should save me a world of heartache, worry, etc… Jeez, i hope i don’t sound bad for saying that.

 As for me – eventually, with the right woman, i want it ALL     The commitment; the mutual support; the purchasing a home together, the wedding; the marriage; the kids (birth, blended, and/or adopted); the lazy sundays; the . But it really has to be with the right person; i’m not going through all of that for it to fall apart later down the road.

I’m Canadian, born and bred, and it’s (gay marriage) legal up there now. So i know that it’s all entirely possible, you know? But that’s part of the problem down here in Trinidad - because just being gay is illegal, folks in the community don’t see the sense in forming relationships that last – they don’t have to have ‘grown up’ interractions with each other because, well – there is no long-term, and mos def no legal responsibility to their partners. Without the possibility of truly being able to create a life together, most folks don’t even bother to try. So they end up in this cycle of almost high school type of 2-week or for the most 3-month arrangements.  I mean, there are one or two exceptions that I know of. But the majority of folks just kinda… run wild. And it would all be hard to deal with, except that I know that so much more is possible, you know?

Now, this is not me trying to turn my nose up at my gay trini community, at all. As the cliche goes  -I’m no angel. The truth remains that I did my share of dating around. But honest to god – it was because I kept trying to make something out of nothing, with sistas who, looking back, didn’t really care. So I ended up just kind of bouncing around – and hitting my head against a brick wall in the process, LOL…

A friend told me that she thought it was because i was in love with the idea of being in love. At first i thought she might be right. But i changed my mind; i don’t agree with that at all. I think what was really going on was that i was : (1) impatient,  (2) didn’t define exactly what i wanted out of a relationship, and (3) so afraid that i’d never find the right person that i ended up settling for all sorts of people i had no business being with.

But now that i know what i want, i’m faced with the reality that it’s unlikely that i’ll meet Her (yeah. with a capital “H”. cuz i know She’s that ill…) down here.  I’ve become a bit picky, and the very, very few sistas that have caught my eye – maybe two at the most - they live oceans away. There’s one in cyber friend in particular… she makes me think, whoa… (splice post title/poem line here, LOL). For real, i may have wanted to get to know her better, plane ride later down the line and errthaang, but… that’s not how things are. It’s cool, though:-)  And i only admit this here, in this blog, because i promised myself from jump that i’d always be honest with my posts. i mean, what’s the point of starting a blog and then leaving out parts? So… it’s really not a hint-dropping thing. (phew. disclaimer, LOL).

 So it’s been a while since my last relationship, and i had to learn a couple of hard lessons. It took a while to sink in that ”She” is somewhere out there, so I can chill until whenever She makes herself known, whoever She is. In the interim i’m just going to keep it moving; keep shaping myself into the me I’m trying to become, so that whenever we do meet – She’ll recongnize me as her “She”. Life is a beautiful thing, and the right someone’s going to make it even more beautiful, one of these days 

Incog’ out, like a light…