Got Test?

So last week I had a little bit of a scare; my coworker’s niece, who lives in the same house as he does, died suddenly. Turns out that she had somehow contracted bacterial meningitis. And just like that – she was gone. At 21. 

 Anyhow my coworker and his whole family were placed under quarrantine and given doses of antibiotics. But because he had been coming to work the whole time that his cousin was sick, our company nurse was a little worried, and so the three people who shared the office with him had to go get vaccinated.

 But that is not the reason for this post’s title. See, while at the clinic wating to get this shot, I overheard the nurse mentioning something about the rapid HIV test. Now, I’ve been tested several times before, and each time was less nerve-wracking than the last time. So I took a deep breath and spoke to the nurse…

“Excuse me”

“Yes”

“Um.. I heard you mentioning the rapid HIV test. Does this clinic have the test?”

“Yes we do. Would you like to get tested now?”

I shook my head yes. The nurse smiled, saying something like, “Good for you”.  I guess that she sensed my aprehension because she whisked me to the back room and pricked my finger before I even realized what had happened. Beofre, I guess, I could change my mind.

The nurse told me that she would pass the test stick to the doctor, who would call me in a few minutes to discuss the result.  So… the wait was on.  I basically occupied my mind for the next 15 minutes or so by reading a copy of Runners Monthly.

I tried not to think about some of the chances I’ve taken. Tried to remind myself that I didn’t take part in high-risk activities.  But still, there’s this little voice that nagged me with some of the few times that I did slip up. Could any of those turn out to be me pressing my luck once too often???

“The doctor wants to see you now,” the nurse interrupted my growing panic. As I walked around the corner and sat facing the doctor, all I could think was, Oh-shit-oh-shit-oh-shit.

He looked at me for what seemed like hours before he spoke. I guess doctors do this to shake the shit out of folks. Something like the Scared Straight juvenile delinquency program, except for adults with wayward libidos.

“You’re negative.”

Ok, exhale. I could feel every bit of tension drain out through my toes. I really can’t remember the rest of what he said, I was just so relieved.

As I wrote to a cyberfriend who blogged on this very same topic just today  – I feel a new lease on life. I mean, I’ve grown to be very careful about what (and who) I do in bed.  Which is one of the reasons why I’ve decided to date folks without all of the physical stuff. I kinda want to save that pent up sexual energy for the special sista that I end up with (all I gotta say is, I feel so, so, sssooo sorry for her, LOL).

The last thing I want to do is hook up with someone, catch something I can’t get rid of, and then (obviously) blow my chances with someone deserving.

Y’all… I am all for folks enjoying themselves. DO YOU, you know? But just ensure that you play safely, so that you can live to play again 

So, if you get tested regularly – kudos to you! If you’ve never had a test, or are due for one – GO GET TESTED NOW!!!

Incog’, on the outs…

…Got Me Missing Things I Never Knew… (the sequel)

So i was chatting with a myspace friend today, noting back and forth, just talking about relationships – or rather, the possibility of future relationships.

Truth is that even though i hung out recently with someone that i’m attracted to… something is telling me that she’s not “her”. She’s pretty, laid back, going after her goals, great to hang out with… but she doesn’t want a relationship. Says that her situation is ‘complicated’, and that she doesn’t know where she really wants to be, relationship-wise. But she’s down for something less than committed, with me… Sigh. I recognize this road, and i don’t want to travel on it again, LOL. I think that I’m worth being someone’s everything, not just their sometime thing.

Sssooo… i keep that in the back of my mind, and content myself with hanging out with her, without getting either physically or emotionally involved. I guess i’ve pretty much decided to relegate this experience to the platonic friends box. That should save me a world of heartache, worry, etc… Jeez, i hope i don’t sound bad for saying that.

 As for me – eventually, with the right woman, i want it ALL     The commitment; the mutual support; the purchasing a home together, the wedding; the marriage; the kids (birth, blended, and/or adopted); the lazy sundays; the . But it really has to be with the right person; i’m not going through all of that for it to fall apart later down the road.

I’m Canadian, born and bred, and it’s (gay marriage) legal up there now. So i know that it’s all entirely possible, you know? But that’s part of the problem down here in Trinidad - because just being gay is illegal, folks in the community don’t see the sense in forming relationships that last – they don’t have to have ‘grown up’ interractions with each other because, well – there is no long-term, and mos def no legal responsibility to their partners. Without the possibility of truly being able to create a life together, most folks don’t even bother to try. So they end up in this cycle of almost high school type of 2-week or for the most 3-month arrangements.  I mean, there are one or two exceptions that I know of. But the majority of folks just kinda… run wild. And it would all be hard to deal with, except that I know that so much more is possible, you know?

Now, this is not me trying to turn my nose up at my gay trini community, at all. As the cliche goes  -I’m no angel. The truth remains that I did my share of dating around. But honest to god – it was because I kept trying to make something out of nothing, with sistas who, looking back, didn’t really care. So I ended up just kind of bouncing around – and hitting my head against a brick wall in the process, LOL…

A friend told me that she thought it was because i was in love with the idea of being in love. At first i thought she might be right. But i changed my mind; i don’t agree with that at all. I think what was really going on was that i was : (1) impatient,  (2) didn’t define exactly what i wanted out of a relationship, and (3) so afraid that i’d never find the right person that i ended up settling for all sorts of people i had no business being with.

But now that i know what i want, i’m faced with the reality that it’s unlikely that i’ll meet Her (yeah. with a capital “H”. cuz i know She’s that ill…) down here.  I’ve become a bit picky, and the very, very few sistas that have caught my eye – maybe two at the most - they live oceans away. There’s one in cyber friend in particular… she makes me think, whoa… (splice post title/poem line here, LOL). For real, i may have wanted to get to know her better, plane ride later down the line and errthaang, but… that’s not how things are. It’s cool, though:-)  And i only admit this here, in this blog, because i promised myself from jump that i’d always be honest with my posts. i mean, what’s the point of starting a blog and then leaving out parts? So… it’s really not a hint-dropping thing. (phew. disclaimer, LOL).

 So it’s been a while since my last relationship, and i had to learn a couple of hard lessons. It took a while to sink in that ”She” is somewhere out there, so I can chill until whenever She makes herself known, whoever She is. In the interim i’m just going to keep it moving; keep shaping myself into the me I’m trying to become, so that whenever we do meet – She’ll recongnize me as her “She”. Life is a beautiful thing, and the right someone’s going to make it even more beautiful, one of these days 

Incog’ out, like a light…

So… I’ve Got This Date Tomorrow…

About a month ago I asked an old friend out to dinner. She’s this sista that I’ve known for a few years now, always thought that she was cute (quiet and laid back, with past-the-shoulder locs, slim, pretty face… anyone see a pattern here??? my friends can pick my ‘type’ for me with closed eyes, LOL). But either she was in a relationship, or I was, so needless to say it was no go. Until now.

When I finally got up the nerve to ask her out, she laughed and said of course, asking me why it took me so long… apparently the feeling had been mutual for a while now. Hmmm… maybe my mojo does work, after all 

Anyhow I told her that the date would be a surprise, that we’d be going out to a new restaurant that was about an hour’s ride, but that’s all I’d say.  I picked her up, and we took the long drive to the restaurant. When we reached near, the driver pulled up at this beach house… instead of a restaurant, I had rented a beach house and set up a picnick spread on the porch – lanterns, beach blanket, candles, incense, etc… (a friend had helped me set everything up the night before). I made her wait in the car for a few minutes before calling her up, so that I could light the candles. When she came around the corner, she started laughing. Anyhow we had a great evening, eating japanese takeout and watching the waves crash onto the shore…

Coming back was a whole other story because the car broke down several times; I thought I’d made a mess of the whole date. So I was a little surprised when she wanted to go out with me again   Anyhow tomorrow I’m taking her to Benny Hana (yep. japanese again)…

A friend asked me why i went through “all that trouble” for a date. But it really wasn’t any trouble at all - i kinda like her, and i wanted to do something different, you know?  Down here, alot of folks i know rush into hooking up too soon, and it usually has some sort of dramatic, disasterous result (ahem. i know of that which i speak, LOL).

Whatever happened to, you know, dating??? Romance??? Some cats think that all of that is as corny as all hell, but I kinda like it. I’m still not ready for a relationship yet – I want one, yes, but i’m really waiting to meet the right someone. Until then, dating without all of the physical stuff, is about all I’m trying to do. Spending time hanging out with a beautiful woman – why shouldn’t I put out the extra effort to let her know that I’m glad to be spending time with her? I tell you, just seeing the expression on her face when she came around the corner and saw the spread – that made my night

Anyhow i’m starting to ramble… i promise to recap after tomorrow 

Incog’ signing out…