Months ago, in a moment of despair, i prayed tears that consecrated the very ground as they fell… i asked the Divine Intelligence to send me an Empress.
She said, “Be still, Child. Don’t rush and allow things that are not for you into your heart”.
i obeyed.
She finally chose to bless me instead with an earth angel. That angel is you, Sarah. Today i simply say “Ashe. Ashe. Ashe.”…
.
Incog’
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i’ll be damned if She ain’t bliss
see, her aura be sun-kissed
lighting the sky with her glow
image whispering secrets to legions
and deep in my mind i know
this Time Traveller
transcended three dimentions to greet me
Empress Mennen-Nzinga-Nefertiti
riding harmattan winds thru space to come meet me
just so i could gaze upon her visual
her flow be cyber-galactic - fuck ’spiritual’
the catalyst for wishes made true
got me missing things i never knew
Jodeci-feenin’
heart bleedin’
swagger thoroughly crippled at the needin’
and i swear
i’d spend a thousand nights on knees, in prayer
if it’d give her faith in me and
draw her near
the pure truth of it got my lip trembling tears
cuz the liturgy be
how she made a Believer of me
and so i ask her humbly
how could i not be grateful
how on earth
could i not be grateful???
.
.
Incogshegro
…and didn’t want to blog about it until now because I wanted to know if the feeling is mutual. Seeing that it is (ahem), I still won’t say too much, but I will say this:
.
She’s
beautiful
and introspective
and thoughtful
and mindful
and talented
and soft spoken
and funny
and so very, very pretty
and conscious
and purpose-driven
and natural
and creative
and expressive
and sensitive
and strong enough to speak her feelings
and she digs me,
she, like, really really digs me
and she’s uber-intelligent
and sexy as all hell
and sky-born
and heaven-sent
and super cool
and super fly
and I
want nothing more
than to get close to her.
.
Hmmm… who is this mystery woman? Will Incogshegro tell us more???
Uh, nope.
LOL… Not yet, folks. But let’s just say that I am looking forward to January. She knows what I’m talking about …
.
Incog’ out, with a big-assed smile 
.
.
…So, I was reading the newspapers a while back, and an article caused me to raise my eyebrow right up into my hairline.
A South African inventor named Sonette Ehlers unveiled an anti-rape condom. It apparently works by acting as a female condom with shafts that impale and hook into the rapist’s penis, thereby rendering him unable to continue his ‘conquest’. (click the link above to see it for yourself.)
At first I laughed with glee - the idea that any man who attempted to commit such a violent act against a woman, would be in for a nasty surprise. The article claims that these shafts/barbs can only be removed by a surgical procedure. This means that the rapist would have to give himself away to medical staff, who would of course be alerted to call the police by the appearance of a wilted, porcupine-like phallus attached to a very sorry and agonized attacker.
Apparently, all one has to do is insert this female condom prior to going out (let’s say, in an unsafe area, or on a date with someone you don’t know too well, etc…). And then…
…Wait.
Wait for some poor ignoramus to put god out of his thoughts and lay his hands on you.
Now, this device supposedly does not cause the female wearer any more discomfort than say, a tampon would. But that is honestly the least of my concerns.
Questions began creeping up in my mind about Rapex’s actual effectiveness and repercussions in a real-life scenario…
1. How does one determine which scenarios signal a moment that the woman should put this condom on? Should she put it on to go to the store? When walking to her car in a lonely parking lot? When going for a morning jog? Some folks may think I’m being ridiculous, but let’s be real. The only way to take advantage of the type of protection Rapex offers is to have the condom on all the time and, as I said before… wait.
2. A secondary, but still important, issue comes from the one above. If this device needs to be worn all the time to afford maximum protection - won’t that get expensive? does this means that women of lesser financial means will not be able to have the same level of protection as those who have the income to afford constantly buying and replacing it?
3. Suppose the rapist is carrying a weapon??? Won’t this sudden ’surprise’ serve to infuriate an already aggresive man - and trigger him to use his weapon on the victim?
4. Rapex does not do anything to actually prevent rape. As far as I know, the act of rape is committed once there is any sort of penetration (I could be wrong. feel free to give me your views on that definition). The penis still needs to enter before it is actually ensnared. Therefore, the psychological damage rendered, remains the same.
5. I don’t think that Rapex will serve as any sort of deterrent to potential rapists. Rape isn’t really about sex. It’s more about power. Any man that could actually be so heartless as to rape a woman, will certainly turn to other methods of control - if he’s afraid of getting his pecker skewed.
6. …then there is the whole idea of putting the onus on the woman to control a man’s uncontrolable desires. Hmmm…
But all in all, despite the questions that I have about the device - I still say kudos to Sonette Ehlers for putting much thought into a product that just may save someone from AIDS, STDs, unwanted pregnancy, even if the chances of having it on at the ‘right’ moment may be slim, and even though it may not do much about the psychological pain the victim will still go through.
I know that I could not possibly think of all of the issues this invention raises. What do you think???
.
Incog’ out…
So the silly season has come to a close. For the past week or so, my beloved country was caught up in pre-election madness - rallyes, radio debates, tv interviews, etc etc etc… In the end, the People’s National Movement won, taking 26 seats, the UNC Alliance took 15, and the Congress of the People didn’t get any.
To be honest, I am very dissapointed that the COP didn’t fare better at the polls. I believe that they’ve got great vision. Besides, we could all use some fresh air in the political arena. I’m fed up of the PNM vs UNC crap; had the COP won seats, the country would have gained fresh perspective, and the other two parties would have had to re-evaluate and revamp.
Basdeo Panday was up to his usual tricks again, blaming the COP for the UNC’s loss. He claims that the COP took votes that rightfully belong to the UNC, and says that the whole country can now blame Winston Dukeran for whatever ills befall us from this point onwards. What Bas fails to realize - and some of my compatriots may disagree - is that he caused his own party to lose. With his antics; his lack of decorum; his complete inability to avoid inflamatory speech; his boldfaced thievery; his controlling nature; and most of all, his tacky red beret. (ha!)
But whatever. As I told my mother before results were announced - no matter what the results turned out to be - the following day we would still have to get up, go to work, find and express our respective life missions, make babies, live. As citizens of this nation, we have the obligation to do whatever we’re each good at, for the collective good of all. Despite political differences, each person who voted did so with a firm belief that theirs was the best choice for country. The ‘political differences’ come in our lack of agreement on how to best provide for our society. Small thing. In other words, everyone’s heart is generally in the right place.
The challenge now, no matter which way you or I voted, is to become the grass-roots movement weilding the power. The people who take up the responsibility of holding the government accountable for keeping their word to us all.
Many of us seem to forget that politicians on all sides are our employees. we tend to revere political ‘leaders’, and overlook their lack of performance, turn a blind eye to corruption and ineptitude. See, I voted PNM, but that does not mean that I follow the party blindly, or agree with everything that they do.
The suggestion that we treat them as our employees, changes the power balance immensely - it puts it back into the hands of the People, where it really belongs anyway. Because politics is the only field I know of where folks can sit around on their ass and do jack shit for years, and still collect a monthly paycheck. Newsflash, folks - their salaries are financed by you and I. If I were to pull the same stunt on my job - I’d be out on my ear.
So, the PNM is back. The question becomes, are you and I going to make them answer to us, the way that all employees must answer to their employers? Remember folks - We The People, run this muhfucker - not any political party. Let’s ensure that they do as we say.
Incog’, Out… (like a gay man to his mama, LOL)
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So… we’re sitting here now, or more likely you’re sitting here by yourself because I probably walked away right after putting this letter into your hand. I know, despite all of my ‘chat’ - I’m still a bit of a coward, LOL. So anyhow, I guess you probably want to know what this is about. What’s so hard for me to say, that I had to write it down and hightail it outta here. Here’s the thing:
I wrote this letter to you, before I ever even met you.
You’re probably wondering what I mean by, ‘before I ever even met you’. If you think it’s funny or even weird, just chalk it up to one of my little quirks. Writing is one of those things that I’ve just gotta do. Helps me to get clear about what I really want out of life. But something tells me that you already get that about me, anyway. So, if you’re reading this now, trust that you and I have gotten to a point where I think it’s safe to share my thoughts with you (I know, I know. This may have taken a while…)
Maybe I’ve watched you without saying anything, and you’ve asked me what’s on my mind. Maybe I’ve said ‘nothing’. This has probably happened several times, by now. Well, this letter basically tells you what I’ve really meant to say…
See, I wrote this letter a long time ago and printed it, keeping a copy tucked safely away, on call until after I met you; until the moment I was sure that you were, indeed, “Her”. (again, I know it took a while, LOL) And, since the time I wrote this letter until now, I’ve posted it up on my blog – the one you didn’t even know that I keep, until now Maybe as a sort of a prayer to the universe. Or maybe just as a sort of reminder, whenever I feel as though I’m forgetting what’s truly possible. Gotta tell you – it’s kept me from mistaking alot sistas that I’ve met, for you.
Before I wrote this, the hardest thing about waiting to meet you was loneliness. Even writing those words is so hard because no one wants to think of themselves as ‘lonely’. But in the interest of clarity, I promised to always remain honest with myself - it was what it was.
Loneliness is a bitch. Because it makes you do things that you shouldn’t. Being lonely made me go on a wild chase trying to find you. It made me settle for women who I had no business letting near me – because for a long while I’d given up on ever finding you. It made me forget who I am, lose who I am, in the interest of holding onto people who didn’t, or couldn’t, really care. Of that I am not proud.
I tried not to turn bitter, but the truth is sometimes I did get a little angry. I felt hurt, wondered why I couldn’t find what I wanted. I have so much that I’ve wanted to give to someone special, and it hurt deeply that I didn’t have that someone to give it to. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried inside, choosing to swallow tears because pride wouldn’t allow them to run down my cheeks. Kinda like I’m almost ashamed to admit that I’m doing now, as I type this. All because I missed; really, really yearned for; someone that I never even met. I can smile at that now, but at the time I typed these words, it didn’t seem so funny, I guess
The trouble with this kind of yearning is that I ran the risk of idealizing you in a way that made you less real. But, still, I have my head on. The truth is that I know that you’re just as human as I am; you have your quirks, habits, moods, the same way that I do. But yours are all things that I can live with, you know? They make up an important part of you. Besides, the basic principles that make you the woman you are – those remain constant. And that’s what’s important to me.
But the moment that I wrote this, I finally became really comfortable with not looking. I just continued working on myself and reaching some goals I’d set. It kept me occupied I had a clearer picture of who you are in my head, so it made it easier to spot, and not get distracted by, sistas near me who weren’t quite ‘you’.
Needless to say, there are a lot of things that I don’t know about you, as I sit here typing this – how you look, what your pet peeves are, etc… but here’s what I know for sure…
- you’re creative. maybe a painter? A photographer? A poet? A sculptor? A filmmaker? A playwright? I dunno (this is, after all, the future, LOL); but I do know that whatever way you express yourself, you do it with such passion and commitment that it gives you that glow that says, I was born to do this.
- You have a backbone. You stand up for what you know is right. Maybe you even use your art as a means of resistance against the messed up shit that goes on in society around us…
- I didn’t meet you in no club, LOL. Clubs and dancing are cool; I love to go out and have a good time; but you and I both know that it’s usually not conducive to making a real connection with anyone…
- you don’t smoke… (after having dated several smokers, this one has become a deal breaker with me)
- you’re more of a social drinker… (a couple drinks is cool. but, getting snogged out of one’s mind??? another deal breaker, lemme tell ya)
- You possess tact, and a quiet dignity about you. In other words, you carry yourself as the queen you truly are. You’re comfortable with all of who you are, and you emit that knowledge of self through every pore…
- You truly dig me. You light up whenever you see me - the same way that I do whenever you’re around.
I know these ideals exist, and so I know that you exist. The truth remains that I have seen you reflected in the faces of a small handful of sistas that I have been blessed to come across. Each one of them has some, or even a lot, of the characteristics that you have. Whether it’s a smile, a way with words, or the way she carries herself – each of those sistas renewed my faith in you – even if they aren’t even aware of it.
I wonder where you’re from? Maybe you’re from right here, wherever I’m at right now… But probably, you’re from somewhere a lot further away. The thing is, I’d always told myself that I wouldn’t let distance be an obstacle, in the long term, if the sista turned out to be worth the effort. I’ve never been afraid of the idea of moving and starting over, somewhere new.
Maybe you have kids. If so, trust that I welcome them into my heart, the same way I do you. Or maybe you don’t have any. If this is the case, I look forward to having that, in time, with you.
By now, I know some or most of what you’ve dealt with before we became ‘us’. Maybe you had some good experiences before, or maybe you had some not-so good ones. All I know is that, that was then As for now, and us – I do what I can to ensure that you feel secure in what we have. Thank you for not making me jump through hoops to do so. I give of myself to you, because it makes me happy to know that you’re happy. I give of myself to you because you’re the only woman who has ever truly deserved that from me.
Basically this letter is about me saying, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you. For waiting until I was truly ready to receive you. For gracing me with your aura, your gifts, and your love. For choosing to see past whatever faults I have, and wanting to be the one who sees what I’m really worth.
Because, for all that I’ve put myself through – every time you smile, each time you hold my hand, I remember that you were more than worth the wait.
Now that you stand here before me, finally tangible; beautiful; perfect in whatever you think are your imperfections - please know that I love you with all my heart. And please tell me – taking into consideration that I wrote this before I met you - was I off by much? Cuz right now, my friends think that I’ve become too picky to ever find you. Yet here you stand. So, do you think that my daydreams raised the bar too high??? See, something inside is telling me that it was a good thing I chose, from this letter’s moment on, not to lower it one bit. Because you’re here, now. Soul Mate made manifest. And you know what the funny thing is?
.
I don’t even know your name yet.
.
Love,
Incog’
.
So last week I had a little bit of a scare; my coworker’s niece, who lives in the same house as he does, died suddenly. Turns out that she had somehow contracted bacterial meningitis. And just like that - she was gone. At 21.
Anyhow my coworker and his whole family were placed under quarrantine and given doses of antibiotics. But because he had been coming to work the whole time that his cousin was sick, our company nurse was a little worried, and so the three people who shared the office with him had to go get vaccinated.
But that is not the reason for this post’s title. See, while at the clinic wating to get this shot, I overheard the nurse mentioning something about the rapid HIV test. Now, I’ve been tested several times before, and each time was less nerve-wracking than the last time. So I took a deep breath and spoke to the nurse…
“Excuse me”
“Yes”
“Um.. I heard you mentioning the rapid HIV test. Does this clinic have the test?”
“Yes we do. Would you like to get tested now?”
I shook my head yes. The nurse smiled, saying something like, “Good for you”. I guess that she sensed my aprehension because she whisked me to the back room and pricked my finger before I even realized what had happened. Beofre, I guess, I could change my mind.
The nurse told me that she would pass the test stick to the doctor, who would call me in a few minutes to discuss the result. So… the wait was on. I basically occupied my mind for the next 15 minutes or so by reading a copy of Runners Monthly.
I tried not to think about some of the chances I’ve taken. Tried to remind myself that I didn’t take part in high-risk activities. But still, there’s this little voice that nagged me with some of the few times that I did slip up. Could any of those turn out to be me pressing my luck once too often???
“The doctor wants to see you now,” the nurse interrupted my growing panic. As I walked around the corner and sat facing the doctor, all I could think was, Oh-shit-oh-shit-oh-shit.
He looked at me for what seemed like hours before he spoke. I guess doctors do this to shake the shit out of folks. Something like the Scared Straight juvenile delinquency program, except for adults with wayward libidos.
“You’re negative.”
Ok, exhale. I could feel every bit of tension drain out through my toes. I really can’t remember the rest of what he said, I was just so relieved.
As I wrote to a cyberfriend who blogged on this very same topic just today - I feel a new lease on life. I mean, I’ve grown to be very careful about what (and who) I do in bed. Which is one of the reasons why I’ve decided to date folks without all of the physical stuff. I kinda want to save that pent up sexual energy for the special sista that I end up with (all I gotta say is, I feel so, so, sssooo sorry for her, LOL).
The last thing I want to do is hook up with someone, catch something I can’t get rid of, and then (obviously) blow my chances with someone deserving.
Y’all… I am all for folks enjoying themselves. DO YOU, you know? But just ensure that you play safely, so that you can live to play again
So, if you get tested regularly - kudos to you! If you’ve never had a test, or are due for one - GO GET TESTED NOW!!!
Incog’, on the outs…
So i was chatting with a myspace friend today, noting back and forth, just talking about relationships - or rather, the possibility of future relationships.
Truth is that even though i hung out recently with someone that i’m attracted to… something is telling me that she’s not “her”. She’s pretty, laid back, going after her goals, great to hang out with… but she doesn’t want a relationship. Says that her situation is ‘complicated’, and that she doesn’t know where she really wants to be, relationship-wise. But she’s down for something less than committed, with me… Sigh. I recognize this road, and i don’t want to travel on it again, LOL. I think that I’m worth being someone’s everything, not just their sometime thing.
Sssooo… i keep that in the back of my mind, and content myself with hanging out with her, without getting either physically or emotionally involved. I guess i’ve pretty much decided to relegate this experience to the platonic friends box. That should save me a world of heartache, worry, etc… Jeez, i hope i don’t sound bad for saying that.
As for me - eventually, with the right woman, i want it ALL :-) The commitment; the mutual support; the purchasing a home together, the wedding; the marriage; the kids (birth, blended, and/or adopted); the lazy sundays; the . But it really has to be with the right person; i’m not going through all of that for it to fall apart later down the road.
I’m Canadian, born and bred, and it’s (gay marriage) legal up there now. So i know that it’s all entirely possible, you know? But that’s part of the problem down here in Trinidad - because just being gay is illegal, folks in the community don’t see the sense in forming relationships that last - they don’t have to have ‘grown up’ interractions with each other because, well - there is no long-term, and mos def no legal responsibility to their partners. Without the possibility of truly being able to create a life together, most folks don’t even bother to try. So they end up in this cycle of almost high school type of 2-week or for the most 3-month arrangements. I mean, there are one or two exceptions that I know of. But the majority of folks just kinda… run wild. And it would all be hard to deal with, except that I know that so much more is possible, you know?
Now, this is not me trying to turn my nose up at my gay trini community, at all. As the cliche goes -I’m no angel. The truth remains that I did my share of dating around. But honest to god - it was because I kept trying to make something out of nothing, with sistas who, looking back, didn’t really care. So I ended up just kind of bouncing around - and hitting my head against a brick wall in the process, LOL…
A friend told me that she thought it was because i was in love with the idea of being in love. At first i thought she might be right. But i changed my mind; i don’t agree with that at all. I think what was really going on was that i was : (1) impatient, (2) didn’t define exactly what i wanted out of a relationship, and (3) so afraid that i’d never find the right person that i ended up settling for all sorts of people i had no business being with.
But now that i know what i want, i’m faced with the reality that it’s unlikely that i’ll meet Her (yeah. with a capital “H”. cuz i know She’s that ill…) down here. I’ve become a bit picky, and the very, very few sistas that have caught my eye - maybe two at the most - they live oceans away. There’s one in cyber friend in particular… she makes me think, whoa… (splice post title/poem line here, LOL). For real, i may have wanted to get to know her better, plane ride later down the line and errthaang, but… that’s not how things are. It’s cool, though:-) And i only admit this here, in this blog, because i promised myself from jump that i’d always be honest with my posts. i mean, what’s the point of starting a blog and then leaving out parts? So… it’s really not a hint-dropping thing. (phew. disclaimer, LOL).
So it’s been a while since my last relationship, and i had to learn a couple of hard lessons. It took a while to sink in that ”She” is somewhere out there, so I can chill until whenever She makes herself known, whoever She is. In the interim i’m just going to keep it moving; keep shaping myself into the me I’m trying to become, so that whenever we do meet - She’ll recongnize me as her “She”. Life is a beautiful thing, and the right someone’s going to make it even more beautiful, one of these days
Incog’ out, like a light…
About a month ago I asked an old friend out to dinner. She’s this sista that I’ve known for a few years now, always thought that she was cute (quiet and laid back, with past-the-shoulder locs, slim, pretty face… anyone see a pattern here??? my friends can pick my ‘type’ for me with closed eyes, LOL). But either she was in a relationship, or I was, so needless to say it was no go. Until now.
When I finally got up the nerve to ask her out, she laughed and said of course, asking me why it took me so long… apparently the feeling had been mutual for a while now. Hmmm… maybe my mojo does work, after all
Anyhow I told her that the date would be a surprise, that we’d be going out to a new restaurant that was about an hour’s ride, but that’s all I’d say. I picked her up, and we took the long drive to the restaurant. When we reached near, the driver pulled up at this beach house… instead of a restaurant, I had rented a beach house and set up a picnick spread on the porch - lanterns, beach blanket, candles, incense, etc… (a friend had helped me set everything up the night before). I made her wait in the car for a few minutes before calling her up, so that I could light the candles. When she came around the corner, she started laughing. Anyhow we had a great evening, eating japanese takeout and watching the waves crash onto the shore…
Coming back was a whole other story because the car broke down several times; I thought I’d made a mess of the whole date. So I was a little surprised when she wanted to go out with me again :-) Anyhow tomorrow I’m taking her to Benny Hana (yep. japanese again)…
A friend asked me why i went through “all that trouble” for a date. But it really wasn’t any trouble at all - i kinda like her, and i wanted to do something different, you know? Down here, alot of folks i know rush into hooking up too soon, and it usually has some sort of dramatic, disasterous result (ahem. i know of that which i speak, LOL).
Whatever happened to, you know, dating??? Romance??? Some cats think that all of that is as corny as all hell, but I kinda like it. I’m still not ready for a relationship yet - I want one, yes, but i’m really waiting to meet the right someone. Until then, dating without all of the physical stuff, is about all I’m trying to do. Spending time hanging out with a beautiful woman - why shouldn’t I put out the extra effort to let her know that I’m glad to be spending time with her? I tell you, just seeing the expression on her face when she came around the corner and saw the spread - that made my night
Anyhow i’m starting to ramble… i promise to recap after tomorrow
Incog’ signing out…
She caressed guitar strings in ways
that made both me and the Heavens jealous
ultra violet notes made a believer of me
weaving Spirit Songs to tell us
both
wishing that the rifts that She played, I wrote
cuz neither distance nor reverb would ever keep us apart
i’d light fire to sheet music to blaze trails for a new start
see
every melody her eyes sing strikes a chord with my heart
yesssss
every vibe her mind brings
takes a piece of my heart…
.
for real…
.
Incog’
.
